To say that Sunday was an "intense" day would be putting it lightly. This past Sunday 2/26/12 was a very big day for me spiritually and one that I will not forget anytime soon. I've been told that it would be good for me to write my experiences down somewhere so I think I'll do like the rest of my family and blog about it. =)
Let me first say that the Lord has been after my tail for quite a while. I'd say for several weeks and even more intensely over the last several days. I can always tell that I'm not where I need to be spiritually when my relationships are not flowing smoothly, when I don't have some kind of "peace" at my job and when I just "want to be bad" all the time and find "comfort" in wallowing in my sin. Ok, I think that's a run on sentence. But you know what I mean. I was finding myself all the time fighting with Rob over stupid things or actions or words that we might have had between ourselves. We hadn't been "close" in a long time, or that I would have even "allowed it." Work- now that's another thing. TTHS is struggling in so many ways- it's not new news. For quite a while I've been able to just go with all the "drama" day by day and I still keep some kind of "peace" about the whole thing. Surprisingly so. But lately during this "difficult spiritual" time my peace has diminished. The last two weeks have been some of the hardest times I've had, especially dealing with the possibility of loosing my employment. I could go into other details, but basically I know NOW that my eyes were not on the ONE that GIVES peace. The other side of my issues were that I was enjoying "wallowing in my sin." I was (and still am) totally selfish, prideful & had a lack of patience with ones I love. I've just been a mess!!!
I know that God allowed me to dig deeper and deeper in the hole of selfishness and pride even so far as to hit rock. I hit it- rock bottom. And funny thing is, thru this whole time frame of me being in this VERY DEEP Valley I've been able to keep my nicey-nicey, church girl face on and was able to say everything is FINE, Life is GRAND. I mean seriously! I am SO good at that and I'll just admit it now for the whole world wide web to see!
But I'm SO excited to say that Sunday 2/26/12 was a HUGE spiritual milestone. Steve Hale was at the church this past weekend for a Men's Conference and he also preached Sunday morning and nite. He is one of my favs! Well, God used him Sunday morning during the EARLY service to "pop the head of my giant, white pimple!" (many of you know that I'm fascinated with popping pimples and black heads - gross i know) But this is a wonderful analogy for my perdiciment. God used his sermon to really shake me up and get back to the "ground floor of my salvation" and who I am IN HIM. His sermon (for the first time ever in 20+years) actually made me doubt my salvation. I mean I was really messed up after the service was over. The only thing that he said that gave me any kind of reassurance was something like, "Look back at your 'salvation' experience... can you look back on that and see a complete change in what you were BEFORE to what you are now/afterward? Or if you're wondering if you are saved- can you look at your life and over that time see how God has been chastening/disciplining you?" I really had to look at that. I mean for the first part, I was only 13 years old when I had my "salvation experience." I can remember that night light it was yesterday- every detail! I know on that night that something CHANGED in my life. But again, I was only 13 and what really can a 13 year old girl really get into and be bad before salvation then Good after. So I really couldn't grab that one. But the other part of his question was "over your spiritual life have you felt God disciplining you and trying to get your attn.?" Well, yea! All the time! That gave me the assurance that I was saved and I just realized that my problem was that I was FAR away from Him!
So, after some discussion with other believers that day and working it out in my mind I realized that i needed to "bend the knee" of my heart to Him again and put Him back on the drivers seat of my life. I needed to swallow my pride put away my selfishness and ASK for forgiveness. Talk about a moving several minutes that Sunday afternoon! I know that He forgave me of all that junk that I've been struggling with and allowed me back into fellowship with Him. And boy does it feel so much better! All it took was just REALIZING and coming to terms with what I already knew - I was SO dirty with unconfessed sin that it was damaging my relationship with the Lord. I was SO involved in MY life and what I wanted that I gave no thought to what He wanted out of me. I HATE the feelings that I had and am SO thankful for a loving, patient and graceful God! Shew! I'm tearing up right now! The sad thing is, is that I KNEW all those weeks WHAT i needed to do! I knew what was holding me back from a right relationship with Him! I knew HOW to fix the problem, but I just didn't WANT to do it. WHat in the world!? And thru all that God just sat back and allowed me to be miserable and waited for me to get my act together and he took me in with open arms. Again! SHEW! = ..)
So with all that said, Sunday night was an incredible time of praise and rejoicing for me. The night started with fantastic songs and hymns and it was a great feeling to be in a better union with my Savior. My fellowship and praise was nothing that I've ever felt before. I guess that how it should ALWAYS be with a believer. We need to come to him clean, prayed up and confessed and your fellowship will be as it SHOULD BE. What a great experience! It makes me want to strive to be that way before every time i want to worship Him. The cherry on top that night was when we sang "We Will Remember." It got to that part where it says "I still remember, the day you saved me, the day I heard you call out my name." Shew! There i go again =.. ) That was one of the first times that I have ever totally abandoned myself to praise and was able to raise my hand in worship. I mean I couldn't NOT do it! It was natural and it felt like the only way I could praise Him more because I was bawling and couldn't sing a word even if i tried. I don't take this time with the Lord lightly. I'm not usually a "hand raiser" but boy, that night the Spirit moved me and I became one! So now I pray that the Spirit will move me again and that I will have more moments of TRUE, PURE, UNBLOCKED praise!
I thank God for this wonderful experience with Him and I don't ever want to go back to where I was again. But like the old hymn says, "I AM prone to wander" (unfortunately). So I might be in another valley again, but I hope "I'll look back at all He has done" and make the move SOONer to to get right before I get too far down. thank you Jesus!
Your words made me think of the story of Jonah. Remember how he ran from God only to have God pursue him and afflict his life until he turned around and went in the right direction? Remember how God just wouldn't let him go? Remember that Jonah didn't "get his mind right" until he was in the fish's belly?
ReplyDeleteRemember that Jonah finally obeyed God, then went through ANOTHER valley shortly afterwards? Remember also that it didn't matter whether Jonah was obedient or disobedient, God was still with him. When he was obedient, God blessed his efforts. When he was DISobedient, God was there to chastize and bring him back to obedience.
Even in the last chapter when Jonah was sulking and pouting, God was still there, and He even indulged Jonah for a little while by giving him shade from the sun. Then when Jonah continued to sulk, God had to discipline him again by removing the shade.
Christians have ups and downs just like non-Christians. The difference is that Christians have a personal Savior with them in their experiences -- disciplining, chastizing, teaching, improving, comforting, loving -- all those things that a loving God does for His children. And a miserable day with God is still better than the best day you could have without Him.
Re-read the little book of Jonah. It's only four chapters, but it's a picture of God's loving and never-ending work in the lives of His people.
Very cool post Connie. I am very excited for you. Your experience reminds me of my own. Back in October and here of late I have had the same thoughts. I just want God to leave me alone. I want to waller (sp) in my sin and enjoy it. I don't want to ask for forgiveness and I just want God to let me be. I can remember back in October when we were driving to the E-Women conference me sharing with you that I almost wished I wasn't saved so that I could run and be free in my sin without the guily conscience hanging over me constantly. UGH!
ReplyDeleteSaying all that brings me to this...how terribly awful a sinner I am. How selfish, self serving, self righteous...I am. I deserve absolutely nothing. I deserve to be separated from God.
Yet, praise God He won't leave me. Praise God that He "bugs" me. Thank you Lord that when you truly saved me in December 2002, that was it, I am forever Yours. When I ask God to sever the cord that ties me to Him, He doesn't. When I ask God to leave me alone, He won't. And when I come out of the darkness, the valley in my life...when He pulls me through and helps me to see my sin for what it is, I am so thankful that He is there and that His word affirms that He always will be.
These experiences in my life also confirm that true salvation where teh evidence is there and you can see how God has changed you, molded you, made you who you are now from who you were before is forever. Salvation is permanent. There is NOTHING that I can do, say, think, that will separate me from the love of my God, Savior, and Lord.
I love you and am thankful you shared your story. I saw you lift your hand that night and I was like..."what?" I also saw you crying your eyeballs out and I knew that God was doing a work. You are so beautiful inside and out and I am so thankful to call me my sister on earth and sister in Christ Jesus.